Humor

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a salted.

An old guy's teaching his grandson how to jerk off.
After a few minutes, the kid says, "Grampa, this ain't so great."
Grampa says, "Wait 'til it's your dick."

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she
found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. 
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. 
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. 
Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?" 
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Sonen frågar sin far:
Vad är det för skillnad på Hypotetiskt och teoretiskt?"
-Hm, sa han, gå till din mor och fråga om hon skulle ha sex med brevbäraren
för en halv miljon, sonen frågade, kom tillbaka och sa "ja, det skulle hon"
-Fråga nu din syster om hon skulle ha sex med sin gamla kemilärare för
en miljon, det gjorde han,
"jo det skulle hon, men vad har det med saken att göra?"
-Jo, sa han, hypotetiskt skulle vi kunna vara miljonärer men teoretiskt
lever vi med 2 horor

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend ..You won't believe what
happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a
girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again,
all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, That's great!! did you get a blow job?

Oh, no... I never found her head.

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. 
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

En man går in på apoteket och vill köpa Viagra
  - Har ni recept?
  - Nä, men jag har med ett kort på kärringen

A Jew was playing with an ashtray, when Hitler comes by and asks:

"Are you looking for someone?"

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, 
"Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch.

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, 
"You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Booobs."

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice."

Det var tre män som diskuterade vems kärring som var mest korkad.

Den ene sa: - Min kärring är så jävla korkad, hon kom hem med fyra 
vinterdäck här om dagen och vi har inte ens någon bil.

Den andre sa: Jaja, men min kärring är så korkad, hon kom hem med 
två dyra datorspel, men vi har ju ingen dator.

Den tredje sa: Min kärring slår allt. Hon är så jävla blåst, när hon 
och en väninna skulle resa till Kreta en vecka, köpte hon med sig 
ett paket kondomer, men hon har ju för fan ingen snopp

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend,
'I wish I had bigger tits'. 

The boyfriend says 
'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and
rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 

'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

Man lying in bed after sex with his new thai wife.
She keeps stroking his willy.

He say's; Do you like my willy that much?
She say's; No I just miss mine."