1. Expensive pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of the pussy found on the USC campus falls into this catagory. Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.

2. Cheap pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off. Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this. Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3. Hired pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money is up-front. Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive pussy. Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.

4. Virgin pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason. Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained. Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause "accidents," can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania. Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once. Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.

6. Frigid pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration). Advantages: There are no advantages. Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper catagory. Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can. Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8. Party pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience. Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things. Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker. Advantages: Easy. Disadvantages: Never really worth it.