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The five
questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes
these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into
a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which
is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are
you thinking?"
The proper
answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have
met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to
what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one
of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According
to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from
Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other
questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you
love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys
who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers
include:
a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if
I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look
fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically
state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't
call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight
looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question?
I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you
think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend,
a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident
or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is,
"No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not
prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes
about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat
the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would
you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself
under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This
might be the stupidest question of the lot.
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